Ahhhh!

So, I was procrastinating by watching videos on collegehumor.com because they have yet to invent graduateschoolhumor.com and saw this ad for a movie called the Human Cenitpede. I had never heard about this movie and being the curious young lady that I am I decided to investigate further. Wrong move.

I ended up having nightmares just from watching the trailer and every time I try to think of something else my mind keeps picturing the horribleness of this movie’s plot. It’s the “Don’t think about a pink elephant” multiplied by grossness.

I wanted to post a picture to go along with this blog entry, but I didn’t want you all to have nightmare, so I found the cutest picture I could of  a cenitpede-like thing that didn’t bother me–so, it’s a cartoon caterpillar.

October 16, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Another Quiz

Guess what I’m doing? If you guessed “not writing your dissertation proposal” then you are correct! I decided to instead write about bad dates and make a quiz.

Quiz: What’s Your Type?
1. Your nights are mostly spent in:
A. bars.
B. dance clubs.
C. opium dens.

2. The number one thing you are looking for in a partner is:
A. honesty, kindness, and intelligence.
B. a large wallet.
C. an intact fontanel

3. Your perfect date would involve:
A. just hanging out and getting to know each other.
B. fashion show!
C. séance

4. The square root of pi equals:
A. 1.77245385
B. How should I know?
C. Pocahontas

5. Your biggest turn-off is:
A. Thumb rings
B. poverty
C. sanity

6. If you were on a date and a bird crapped on your shoulder:
A. You would be a bit grossed out and then go to the nearest bathroom to clean it off.
B. You would scream super loud and say you need to go home and change immediately.
C. You would lick the bird crap until it’s completely gone.

7. When you were little you wanted to be a ___________ when you grew up:
A. ballerina
B. trophy wife
C. gargoyle

8. What’s up?
A. Not much.
B. Some snobby comment.
C. Cock-a-doodle-do

Answer Key:
If you answered mostly As: Your type is mostly normal.
If you answered mostly Bs: Your type is very rich.
If you answered C to any of the questions you will die alone.

July 7, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

What do you think is going to happen?

Hey you–yea, that guy who has to scream out “Hey hot stuff” when he walks by a woman–why? I’m sweating while pulling my heavy suitcase down the street in Philadelphia and this guy who was on his cell phone walks by, stops his conversation, and shouts a quick “Hey baby you fine” or whatever and then a “Did you hear me? You should smile sometime.”

I’m just wondering what you think may happen here? I will throw down my suitcase and run at you and start making out…I mean after you finish your phone call? Like what is the best case scenario that could take place in your mind? Why would a random creepy guy who calls me “baby” and then says something gramatically incorrect make me smile?

And I’m back to blogging!! Hi everyone! xoxoxoxo

May 25, 2010. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

My Wheels on the Bus Song

So, after several amazing bus rides I decided that the “Wheels on the Bus” song must not have been written by someone who travels in New York City.  The lyrics in no way match my experience so far, so I decided to write my own song based on true bus stories.

Please sing along.

The wheels on the bus go

Round and round

The bus shakes up and down

The driver suddenly brakes and makes you frown

The wheels on the bus go

Round and round all through the city

The morbidly obese woman with a great deal of leg hair and a moustache

goes: Whatcha looking at?

Whatcha looking at?

Whatcha looking at?

The morbidly obese woman with a great deal of leg hair and a moustache

goes: Whatcha looking at?

All through the city

The guy with swine flu coughs in your hair

Coughs in your hair

Coughs in your hair

The guy with swine flu coughs in your hair

All through the city

The crying child’s mother screams: Shut your fucking mouth or you’ll get a smack

Shut your fucking mouth or you’ll get a smack

Shut your fucking mouth or you’ll get a smack

The crying child’s mother screams: Shut your fucking mouth or you’ll get a smack

All through the city

The guy who is trying to be cool plays his music way too loud

Plays his music way too loud

Plays his music way too loud

The guy who is trying to be cool plays his music way too loud

All through the city

The grumpy old man hacks up phlegm

Hacks up phlegm

Hacks up phlegm

The grumpy old man hacks up phlegm

All through the city

All through the city

All through the city

All through the city

September 11, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

This was on TV

I’m packing for my big move this week and it’s 2AM.  I decided to try to find something to keep me awake on television and flipping through the channels I find this gem of a show entitled: Staten Island Comedy Show.  If you haven’t haven’t been lucky enough to view this television masterpiece I suggest immediately putting down whatever you are doing and tune in.

Tonight an 8 year-old did a bunch of one liners with a drum beat after every joke…

My favorite: Q: How do you wake up Lady Gaga?     A: You poke her face.

September 7, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Why Does Your Job Exist?

So, this is one thing that I don’t understand, and let me be very clear that there are many, many things that I don’t understand, why was it that when I was by NYU the other day I saw a policeman or policewoman (it’s really hard to distinguish genders when you are angry) standing in the middle of the street telling the traffic to go when the light turns green and then telling the traffic to stop when the light turns red?  That means that this person went to police traffic school to become a traffic light, and not even a good traffic light–almost like a traffic light’s shadow. I wanted to run up to the policeperson and scream: You are a 40 something year-old traffic light’s shadow…I think it’s time you reevaluate your life!  I think it’s also time the state of New York realizes they are paying people for this useless task.

Why does this entry make me sound so angry? Oh yea, because I work for free… cry😦

This is what they looked like

This is what they looked like

June 16, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Almost Died Today

I don’t think I realized how often people could “almost” die until I moved to NYC.  It is about twice a week now where a taxi comes only one inch away from killing me as I cross the sidewalk, when the little white man tells me it is okay to cross.  Maybe that sounds bad, but I think the worst part is that I am getting used to this.  I like shrug it off–oh well, could have died just now.  And the taxi drivers could care less, one guy even honked and gave me the finger.  So, let’s see–you almost ran me over and now you are angry at me for some reason.

I don’t almost die from taxis all the time.  I also almost died from the smell of the man standing over me in the subway the other day.  I can’t wait until summer when more and more people smell like armpit.

That makes me think about the first time I wore deodorant.  I don’t know how many people remember the first time they used lady’s speed stick, but I certainly do.  I was 10 or 11 and sitting in the front seat of the car with Jew mom, brother and two cousins, driving them home.  A few minutes into the ride this is what happened:

Jew Mom (sniffing the air in the car): What’s that smell?

Me: I don’t smell anything.

Cousin: Me neither.

Jew Mom: No.  Something smells horrible.

Then she sniffs closer and closer to me as she is still driving.

Jew Mom: Yael, it’s you!!!!

Cousins and Brother: Hahahahahaha.

Jew Mom: Sweetie, you need to start wearing deodorant immediately.  Like right now.  It’s horrible.

We dropped off my cousins at their home and Jew Mom wasn’t kidding around.  She made me go inside and borrow some of my cousin’s deodorant and put it on before returning to the car.

My brother called me “the pits” for two years after that incident…

May 20, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Lalala Blog

I can see the search terms that people use to look for my blog.  It’s usually “hot+yael+amazing+I want her so badly it hurts,” but this one I just found was “amazing+miracle+fish.”  I wrote a blog awhile back about this fortune telling fish thing I got at my cousin’s bachelorette party, but I doubt that this is what the person who googled  an “amazing miracle fish” was looking for.  I can just imagine how he was thinking:

Guy: I am in desperate need of a fish that produces many miracles, I guess I should look on the interweb to help me find if such a item exists. Pardon me Mr. Google, could you please find me a miracle fish? What’s this?  A Weblog? Maybe I should just see if she knows about an amazing miracle fish…wait, why is she so awkward?  I can’t handle it anymore.   I feel nauseous.  Why would she write this?  I will now cease reading this Weblog because I have an amazing miracle fish to find.

April 2, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

These are the thoughts in my head…

On the morning bus to school I usually sleep for 30 minutes and dream about taking a vacation, but last week I could not fall asleep and had no motivation to do any schoolwork, so I did what anyone would do…make anagrams out of my first and last name.  I am new to this and am not particulary good with the alphabet, so here is what I came up with:

Dry Lead Range

Nay Real Grade

Dear Gay Learn

Randy Real Age

Ale, Dear Grany? (I wish I had another N…)

Agenda Rarely

A Garden Relay

Pretty cool, huh?

Yesterday I was watching the local news while at the gym and heard how the current economic crisis is really having an impact on extramarital affairs.  The news sadly reported that people are no longer going to the Ritz or Four Seasons to have sex with someone who is not their spouse, but instead have to go to motels or sometimes just do it in their cars.

Now, people losing their jobs is one thing–but people having affairs not being able to fuck at the Ritz…that really makes me sad.

March 1, 2009. Uncategorized. Leave a comment.

Poke Me I’m Done

Before I get into the main entry, I wanted to write about a conversation that I overheard today. My cousin and I were shopping and these two guys passed us listing off things to each other and this is the part of the list we heard:

Guy 1: Penises, Star Wars…

So, the rest of the day we were trying to figure out what this list could possibly be, and here our some of our ideas: things men can’t live without, things some of Yael’s dates enjoy, ideas for party themes and things that you are initially excited about and then they fail to reach expectations.

Anyone else have other ideas?

What I really wanted to write about was the awkwardness I managed to get into tonight.

Although I had given up Jdate, I was trying out this other website for fun before giving up on internet dating forever…after tonight’s events I think I have now sealed my fate of no more online dating.

So, there was this guy I was going to meet and we had talked (online) for a week or so. His last name happens to be the name of a scientist who discovered a rare GI illness. It turns out his great grandfather was that very scientist, and my cousin, the GI doctor, tells me that he must be loaded. Keep in mind I don’t care about money, in fact I happen to almost exclusively date poor students, so really my only reaction to my cousin was: oh, interesting. The morning of our date comes around and I received the following message with the subject heading: Wow This is Awkward.

Message:

I’m completely broke. Like, 8 dollars to my name until my paycheck clears. I’m so sorry. Can we reschedule?

I laugh to myself thinking A) Why didn’t he lie about the reason for canceling the date and B) Oh how wrong my cousin was.

So, I forward the e-mail to my cousin saying something along the lines of: I guess there is no money in rare GI illnesses…but sent it to him instead of my cousin.

This is where I would like to point out the difference between my reaction to this situation and perhaps what a normal person would have done.

Normal Person: Ah! What have I done! Well, it’s not that big of a deal. I’ll never talk to him again. Oh well.

Me: Ah! What have I done! I need to completely erase this email address and all record of my name from the dating website and call 13 of my closest friends and tell them this story and then write a blog about it.

Awesome awkwardness indeed!

February 9, 2009. Uncategorized. 1 comment.

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